Happy 1 Month My Dear Son!

Dearest  Damien,

You are officially 1 month old! Time really flies. The past few weeks have been a blur for mummy, sometimes I feel like I am operating on auto-pilot! Wake up, feed, sleep, diaper change, feed, sleep, repeat! For a great part of the first 3 weeks home from the hospital this has been your routine. We are blessed to have a child like you who hardly cried except for when you were hungry. BUT, the past month has not been without trials and tribulations for all of us: you as you grew accustomed to the outside world and daddy & me trying to understand your cues and coping with the exhaustion.

This is a photo of you at 1 week old. You were severely jaundiced at 5 days old. Mummy noticed you started to turn yellow, especially the whites of your eyes and your gums but did not feel alarmed as I assumed jaundice was very normal. However, when you went for your 1 week check-up, we were shocked that your jaundice level was at a critical stage of 21.5. A normal jaundiced baby should have levels below 12! Mummy was heartbroken. As I carried you to have your blood test done and cradled you as they drew blood from your very tiny toe, I cried. As we warded you back into the hospital in Intensive Care and saw you wail your heart out as they bathed you and put you into the UV machine, my heartached. It didn't help that when I went home, your grandparents were upset that I was negligent and spent money to ward you into NICU when jaundice is supposedly cured easily by chinese herbal baths and lots of sunlight in the morning. They failed to understand how critical your jaundice was, to the point of permanent brain damage if we did not salvage the situation within 24 hours. Mummy really beat herself up over and over for not alerting the doctor the moment I discovered you turning yellow! Till today as I look at this photograph, I feel the pain and am so sorry for putting you through all those hours naked under the machine! 

Thankfully, your levels dropped within 36 hours and on the 3rd morning of your hospital stay, we finally brought you back home! 

At 2.5 weeks, after mummy diligently fed you and walked with you naked and cradled in my arms at 8am in the morning sun for 15 minutes daily, you were almost completely cured of your jaundice level. A check up revealed that the levels dipped to below 10 and boy were you a happy baby! Always so vocal your grunts and facial expressions were a joy to look at. Pretty soon, the scary hospitalization ordeal was put behind us and mummy devoted all her time and attention to keeping you well fed and clean and happy! Because jaundice was best cured by breastfeeding as your frequent bowel movements cleared it out from your body, mummy had to constantly ensure that you had enough to drink by monitoring your diaper changes. I fervently keyed everything into my trusty iphone and was relieved that unlike other sleepy newborns, you awakened every 2-3hours for a feed and grew oh-so-quickly!

At week 3 you went through a crazy growth spurt. That's when mummy realized my quiet and cheery boy was disappearing and morphing into a hungry demon! You woke up wailing every 1.5-2 hours for 5 days and gobbled so much of my milk I had trouble giving in to your demands. The moment my milk slowed down you kicked up a fuss and I had to give in to bottle feeding in between feeds to supplement you. But all that crazy drinking was worth it because within 3 days you grew so much you outgrew your clothes! (And maybe I should mention how much you were pooping, almost after every feed!)

Last Sunday was your full month celebration. Look how far you have progressed since your jaundiced days! You finally came home to our marital home after your 1 month stay at your ah mah's (mummy's mother) during my confinement period. But the moment you were home, all hell broke loose. You started to become fussy and inconsolable for certain lengths of time.

You will be happily sucking your milk but the moment we did your usual diaper change and tried to re-latch you to the breast, you started a cry-suck-cry-frantically suck- cry routine. You will act all hungry then try to drink, get frustrated, reject the breast or the milk bottle, suck your hands and scrunch up into a ball.

We suspect it might be colic and I have been doing gas-reliefing massages and yoga for you but sometimes you just don't want to drink properly. Seeing you whimper while drinking is the most heartbreaking (and frustrating) thing ever. As I am typing this now, you just finished your 'fussy-time' it took me 2 whole hours to finally put you back to sleep. Its not like you are crying non-stop but you just refuse to settle down and start to fuss the moment I feed you(even though you are obviously hungry) or put you back to bed. You will doze off in our arms but start to fuss the moment you are put down again. I hope this doesn't hold up and you outgrow it soon my dear boy!

But all of this is worth it because day by day you are growing (you grew from 2.8kg to 4.2kg this month!) and your smiles and coos and funny expressions and what makes our day. Having you is the greatest gift one can get and with Christmas drawing near, you have brought endless joy and sunshine into our lives. As I watch your gentle breathing and your little flickering smiles as you enter dream land; as I feed you and watch your satiated face as you suckle in my arms; as I witness you grasp your father's fingers in play and stare with your beautiful large eyes in amazement, my heart fills with emotions only mothers can understand. You are my angel, our blessing and everything we have ever wished for. You are our son, our love, our everything.

Continue to grow and bask in the love of those around you my dear son, I am sure you will grow strong and kind and loving like your father because you resemble him in so many ways. We love you. Happy full month Damien!

XOXO,
Mummy & Daddy