I am typing this as I watch you are rest your sweet little head in peaceful slumber, wondering where time has gone. In fact, I am a little melancholic watching you, it is a bittersweet feeling as I contemplate how fast time is slipping through my fingers and mourning the fact that ever since I resumed my full duties as a teacher, I seem to spend my waking hours guarding and nurturing other people's children but not my own.
You see, I really miss those 4 precious months spent with you during my maternity leave. In fact I am still feeling quite pinched about being made to report back to work 1 week shy of 4 months. In those 4 months I watched you grow from a tiny, dependent baby who wanted nothing but to sleep and suckle at my breast to a colicky, depressing sight who refused to drink regularly and made me worry about diaper outputs. You grew from a every alert starer to a smiley, gurgle-ly infant, from colicky fussy eater to smiley, laughing playful munchkin.
In this past 1.5 months you've had to go through a lot of changes and mummy has had a hard time adjusting too. Instead of caring for you all by myself you are now in the combined care of grandma, aunty cris the helper and mummy. Every mid week we have to shuffle you to and fro from Jurong to Hougang and leave you there till weekends where we pick you back. Instead of worrying about breastfeeding, now I worry about your intake when you are away from me. Instead of worrying about your jaundice, now I worry if you've fallen down, caught the flu or was left alone for too long.
But also in this past 1.5 months you have grown by leaps and bounds physically and mentally. You are selective when it comes to playing and are able to recognize people familiar to you. And you are now a master of expressions. You can wince when something doesn't taste yummy like your fever medicine after you took those painful shots. You can frown and pout when mummy tries to suction your nose when its stuffy and are so smart you can start screaming even before the bulb syringe reaches you. Once it's in? You start batting it away and pulling it out from your nose! You can grin and chortle when something is hilarious and you can act stunned and shocked when something startles you. These days you are a wonderful sight to come home to, ever ready to greet us with your baby babble and rolling and that gorgeous smile.
Today as I am continuing this post, you are away from me, happily asleep at grandma's. Sometimes I wonder if its me and daddy who has the separation anxiety or you (its obvious that its us that suffer more). With technology, my mum constantly imessages me videos and photos of you and when I get home we FaceTime. It is charming indeed to still be able to see you, but its different. I can't smell your precious baby smell. I can't feel your drool all over my arms as I hold you. I can't rub your head of fine new hair. I can't see your dazzling smile. I can't see your cute butt wiggle as you toss and turn in your sleep. And I can't notice every little miraculous development that you manage to surprise us with every single day.
I guess being a parent forces me to grow, and in that growth I learn that although it pains me as a mother, there are things we need to sacrifice in order to give the best to our children. I need to work and put food on the table, and you need the care and attention of someone much more experienced and capable than me. It is a growing process my dear child, both for you and for me and I can only learn to view things from a positive angle - that you will learn to bond with the older generation in a current world where the children of today are self-orientated and selfish and that in the care of various people you will grow to be a child that is adaptable and sociable and will not be fussy in the care of others.
I am more than blessed to have you my dear son. And although it sickens me to the stomach with worry every second you are away from me, I am blessed still to at least have people that I trust to care for you and nurture you the same way that I will nurture you if I was given the chance to be by your side, 24/7.
Grow strong little one, continue to grow strong. One day, these open letters will reach you, and I hope it will amaze you the little journey that you have taken from the days when you were but a tiny fetus in my womb till today, 5.5 months and blossoming into the bright child that you are.
We love you little D, stay happy, always.
Love,
Mummy
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