The Apology

When I cry, I fail to think.
When I cry, I cry for all my faults. My wrongdoings, my migivings, my helplessness.
It starts from a tear from dismay, then it snowballs, and I cry for the lack of comfort, for the hollowness from being ignored, for the injustice felt when nothing I do ever feels right.
I cry for my insecurities.
I cry for my inability to restrain.
I cry for all the times I've felt like dying.
I cry for not being to stop.

Then when you comfort me, I cry harder.
Because suddenly I can think.
And I shrink from your touch because I feel inferior.
Its as if I'm ashamed of myself, for being a burden, and I cry harder.
I cry harder, abusing myself in my mind, screaming at myself for being unlovable, so unkind.

But I've never stop to think:
when I cry, does your heart cry too?
Does it sicken you to the point where frustration is dormant?
Does it ruin your impression of me?
Does it kill your love for me?

When I cry, I cry for all the wrong reasons.

I'm still learning about the responsibilities of being in a relationship.
I'm still learning the ability to surpass insecurities,
to surpass the need to constantly feel love through affection.

I've tried ever so hard to express my love. In open letters, in affectionate gestures, ever in hope, that one day it'll break your 'cool' responses and make you love me passionately in return.

But I think its time I grew up and realised, the you that I love, is the you that you currently are and always will be.

Its time I remind myself, that you really love me. Despite it all.

I'm sorry, not only for my weaknesses, but for the times I've neglected you and failed to appreciate you, for who you really are.