Dearest Baby B,
Time has flown by and today marks the day you turn a month old! Hurray!
#1 Jaundice
Like all preterm babies, your jaundice skyrocketed when we came home. Because of the incident we had with your brother when he was a newborn, mummy's eyes were trained to spot when something wasn't quite right. After your 5th day review with a really hopeless paediatrician at Mount A, on the 6th day I rushed you to KKH A&E to get your bilirubin levels tested and true enough they were borderline to admission for phototherapy. We came home and I was told to bring you back for further testing after 48 hours. Thankfully my hardwork making sure you were breastfed and formula fed every 2 hours brought your levels down and we were happy to spot a downward trend. Sadly though every test we took meant you had to get your heel pricked and blood squeezed into two tiny tubes and usually you were yelling at the pain when they squeezed the bloody out. Poor baby B. Despite that, your jaundice is still prolonged. I refused to let you go for further testing and monitored you on my own and viola! Today, exactly today, when I bathed you and gently prodded your skin, it seems like its completely gone!
#2 MCDK
My little one kidney warrior, when you were in-utero we already knew this day would come but mummy wasn't prepared at all. In fact, mummy was crying inside and outside. When you were 2 weeks old, you were scheduled for a series of tests to check for existing kidney function in your cystic kidney and also to determine if there was any reflux of urine into your healthy kidney due to the dilation of your renal pelvis, a common complication of children with the MCDK birth defect. Its painful still, to know you are not 100% healthy and having to answer the panel of doctor's countless questions took a lot of courage for mummy, having to reiterate the fact that you only have one healthy kidney. The tests seemed brutal for a tiny infant like you... you were only 16 days old and being pricked and prodded to the extent that even adults will grimace in pain. They inserted a IV stunt into the back of your hand to inject radioactive dye into your body. They also inserted a urine catheter into your tiny penis so that they could inject fluid directly into your bladder to check for reflux. And you had to endure a very uncomfortable scanning procedure. Through it all mummy patted you, cuddled you, sang to you and cradled you...trying my best to hold back my pain just to make sure you were comforted and soothed despite all that pain. To our delight, your healthy kidney is 100% functioning and no reflux complications. In time, your cystic kidney will most likely shrink and you will be like the millions of other children who grow into thriving, healthy adults with only one kidney. And you, my dear, must always count your blessings, just like mummy and daddy do every single day, because it could have been that both your kidneys weren't functioning and you could have been a very, very sick infant or (I dread to think of this) ... a dead child. *shudders*
#3 Battling the big brother
Your big brother has been a nightmare since you were born. He cries like there's no tomorrow at every little thing. He likes to poke your eyes when nobody is looking. He's body slammed you, slapped your head, plucked at your toes and squashed your tiny tummy. And although you seem unfazed at all these, mummy gets a tiny heart attack every time I nurse you and big brother D comes running into the room like a hurricane. I've had to shield you from flying toys and a very heavy 15.5 kg toddler with one free arm numerous times because if I close the door to feed you or put you to sleep, you will be tormented by a very vocal toddler screaming "MUMMY OPEN THE DOOR!!!" proceeded by loud thumping. Sigh. I just pray this sibling rivalry is temporary. Who am I kidding, by the time you are old enough to read this, you've probably had your brother-wars countless times (two boys really... God give me strength)
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You know, I have to be honest, I've forgotten what it takes to care for a newborn. Of course the diapering, the bathing, breastfeeding and cradling etc is a breeze for me being a second time mum but the endless worrying and fretting is still the same. Your dad thinks I'm a over anxious freak and to hell with that, I'm just being a MOM. Why the fretting? Well you see... there are certain things that have caught me off-guard...especially with your fragile kidney condition its little wonder I might get freaked at certain things right?
#1 Noises
Honestly, you are the noisiest baby ever. No, really. You grunt like a pig. When I pick you from a lying position you grunt and strain. When I put you down after nursing and burping, you grunt and strain. When you are sleeping, you grunt and strain. It goes from "URGHH EHHHHHHHH" to "MMMRMPPHHH AHHHH EHHH" and its really hard to sleep sometimes. Then there's that whistling sound from your nose. Seems like its not quite used to the air and keeps getting blocked...I've freaked out thinking you can't breathe because I can't quite figure it out. Then there's that laboured breathing, snoring, snorting, wheezing and hiccuping too. There are even noises that I can't quite name or describe! Noisy, noisy little B.
#2 Gas & Vomit
You fart. A lot. And when you can't you grunt, strain and cry. It kills me cause it makes me wonder if its the food I had. I've omitted so many things. And you still fart like mad. And you regurgitate, all the time. I can burp you before, in between and after feeding and you will still regurgitate and a few times, vomit.
#3 Fussy Time
This is one aspect of baby caring that I will never forget. Your brother only started having colic and fussy time from 1.5mths onward...you? Week 3. From 6pm-10pm you just won't settle. You can nurse every 30mins and cry the moment you are put down. I will have to put you in the sling and walk around... or cradle you with one arm and your butt propped on my raised lap while I surf on my iPhone because you finally fell asleep after nursing for the 5th time in 3 hours. But that means I can't have my dinner. Or pee. Or shower. But in the day you are an angel. Your grandmother commented that sometimes she forgets that you are around because you don't make a peep and is always sleeping (its because the straining and grunting can only be heard in close range). Except for now, because I'm typing while you are in the sling strapped to my body because you strained and grunted and cried when I tried to put you back down. Twice. Yes Mr.B... you are a very fussy baby. But I love you all the same.
#4 Milk woes
Breastfeeding. I have a love-hate relationship with it. With D I was fretting over forceful let-downs and huge quantitates of milk that sprayed everywhere whenever i nursed. With you i fretted over how little I was producing. In the hospital you were crying so much for milk I didn't want to stress myself and allowed the staff to feed you some formula while I pumped every 20mins and what did I get? No more than 5ml from both breasts. This continued till Day5 which seriously freaked me out because with your brother I had milk from the second day! Thankfully theres social media and lots of experienced mummies out there that I flung countless queries at and was consoled endlessly. You're really different when it comes to nursing. Your a small eater. Small but frequent. Your brother was a ravenous beast. So my milk flow for you is relatively different. My letdowns are gentle (some sprays if my milk is full) and my flow is nice and regular. BUT... because you are a small eater....I have no chance to pump! I am going to work soon...and I can't find the time to express milk between your frequent feedings and your fussy times...AND spending time with you brother! >.<
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I'll like to end this letter, dearest B, by thanking you. For you have given me the possibility to expand my heart and love more than I ever knew I could love. When you have another child your love does not get divided but rather it multiplies. You have granted me strength that I never knew I possessed, and perhaps it is because I have matured too, in the past years. You have given me a second opportunity to become a better mother, spouse, daughter and in you I see again, the endless possibilities, the potentials and my heart is once again, worn on my sleeve for you to see. Your sweet scent, your apple cheeks, those eyes that so closely resemble mine... thank you, little B, for coming into our lives and being the strong, little warrior that you are. Despite being No.2, take heart, that we will not compare you to your brother except for passing remarks on your physical appearances and some small references to the developmental milestones, because we know, that you are your own, bright little character, waiting to evolve.
Cheers to you, my darling boy.
Love,
Mum
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