Amongst the hustle bustle of the wedding preparations, there has been increased affection from the usually not so affectionate man. Its overwhelming. Preciously overwhelming. I don't ever want to forget this untainted bliss from being a bride-to-be. I have spent nights tossing and turning asking myself if this is really it. If I am truly the one he wants to spend his life with.
I don't have the looks (although he claims otherwise) and I definitely don't have the figure. I am fiery and cold more often than not. Yet it seems that he can embrace these imperfections and truly love me for that and more. And I feel the same.
I have been looking back and reflecting a lot these few days. Truth is, life with the opposite sex has been a blur ever since I was 17. I've gone through so much that half of it doesn't even seem real to me anymore. Its hard to fathom that the past has truly been replaced by this miraculous intervention of Mel entering my life and whipping me up into this maelstrom of change.
That I am entering the first major milestone in my life since birth.
The future is so bright it's blinding. There are dreams of a lovely themed home, of designer gowns and suits of black and white against a modern boutique hotel setting. There are silvers of hope in the faces of our future children that we envision and the classic imagery of a couple greying at the temple, hands clasped and sighing at the sunset over a calm sea.
I won't deny that at every framed border of these perfect windows to our future lies a shadowy ghost of reality that warns of the many disgruntled arguments and disputes that will unravel and are already unraveling. What lies in those hidden unspoken moments where brooding ensues and regrets are measured. What we have envisioned and imagined can be easily sabotaged by monetary incapabilities and infertility.
But what I have learnt from the day I said 'Yes' is this:
There are a thousand 'ifs' that can drift and float in the wind, a million questions that can be left unanswered, countless memories that can serve to hurt or create longing and a fear for the future so great that it can drown rationality. These are things that we cannot change. And I thank you for training me to think this way.
I once stood so rooted in a painful past that when I first encountered this man who'd change my life, I stood rooted once more in a different pain: his pain. We braved so many doubts and fears that the future's concerns no longer seem unconquerable.
I believe I now have the strength to say 'I Do', to a future beyond that dutifully and painstakingly planned wedding day.
Yes, 'I Do'. It doesn't matter what color the ribbons of the car are or the flowers for my bouquet. It doesn't matter if I cannot bear you pretty children or get a kiss from you every single day. It doesn't matter if I can never have a huge engagement ring or sweet nothings whispered in my ear. It doesn't matter if sometimes I feel like murdering your grandmother in her sleep. It doesn't matter if you're horrible insensitive sometimes. It doesn't matter if I am fat or have giant eye bags.
Because 'I Do' and that itself, is everything to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment