Life as a temporary SAHM - Motherhood thus far

SAHM (Stay at home mum) I've always wondered if I was cut out to be one. I've scrolled many a blog on the trials and tribulations of a SAHM, women who's time is committed to 'playing' house and fulfilling the duties of a mother and beyond.

I vaguely recollect pushing a doll around in my pram, donning my mother's platform shoes and dress and playing cooking with my neighbor's kitchenette when I a wee little one. I suppose its every little girl's dream to get married, have kids and to stay home and cook and clean for your loved ones. I did have that dream and I must say to be able to fulfill it all in the short span of a year, has been overwhelming in a very positive way.

But what this experience has taught me is that I am not cut out to be a housewife at all. I would say that I can be an excellent modern day SAHM, one with additional domestic help if any and concentrate mainly on nursing and nurturing my little one. But a part of me wonders if I really can live with committing all my time and energy to his needs without heeding the needs of my spouse and myself! Will I become a intellectual mush, a dependent wife with no income or worse still, a neurotic 'kiasu' mother who is TOO in tune with her child and too desperate to meet them?

Is there a difference between a SAHM and a housewife I wonder? When I tell others I intend to stay home and look after my son, they look at me in awe with the mindset that I must be a 'tai tai' or rich man's son. Apparently you have to be affluent in order to depend on only one income and devote your time to raising your kid because our cost of living is too high. Either that or you are one of those messy-haired, sleep deprived totally unfashionable 'aunties' who are termed the less glamorous moniker of 'housewives'.

My counterparts in the west have a culture of being SAHM for the early years of their kid's life and apparently this culture is gaining popularity locally. With 4 months of maternity leave, most decided to stretch it to 1 year unpaid leave or more. My own mother quit her job after having me and only returned to work when I was 9 months old. I find it hard to decide.

Facing the four walls of my home when my husband is away with nothing but a crying baby or the slow churning of the washing machine and the dull programs on tele makes a rather depressing scene on some days. Being a SAHM means being independent while the child depends on you and I am still not-quite independent when it comes to housework. But I must say that I really enjoy nursing and bonding with my child and can't imagine what it will be like to be separated from him for hours at a stretch when I return to my workplace where I have to care for the children of others instead of my own!

The Three Ages of Woman - Gustav Klimt

Motherhood thus far has been a miraculous experience, an extension of self. I see in my son's face the love of my husband and I and the countless, countless potential his budding life will bring. From the moment he was conceived I knew this was a bond that no tide will break, one that was seamless and beautiful beyond words. Many things advocate the beauty of motherhood, Mary's love for Jesus, a mother's love for her young in countless mammals in the animal kingdom, stories of a mother's sacrifice. I have always understood that love from the love of my own mother and grandmother, but to have a child of your own paints a whole new picture. It is as if the world no longer mattered, what matters is the little world that your child now lives in, one where you and your spouse hold the tools to paint his skies the colours that we want him to see. For in his eyes there is only mummy and daddy and those who love and hold him dear. In his eyes he looks to us for protection and affection and it is the most endearing thing to know that when he gazes into your eyes and breaks into that gummy grin, it is the most pure and sweet happiness that is untainted by the world.

What I do conclude though is that being a SAHM is nothing like the childhood aspiration I had as a kid. As with all the rose-coloured imagery that we envisioned of marriage as motherhood as little girls. BUT, marriage and motherhood IS beautiful, in that refined adult bitter-sweet appreciation that we have acquired with maturity, just like fine wine ;)